Being Brutally Honest With Yourself and Paper

I have never been one to openly share the most intimate and personal parts of my life with anyone. Maybe i am afraid of judgements, or is it because i feel like an extra burden to anyone i tell them to? I still can't seem to figure it out.So what do i do? I write them down. Yep, i pen it all down on paper. Because paper doesn't judge you, paper doesn't discriminate, paper listens to all your complaints and worries and happiness and joys.Paper simply takes it all in as you tell it.I once read a quote somewhere, i'm pretty sure it's on tumblr. It read : Always be honest with yourself, brutally honest. And that hit me hard.

 

The quote made me think a lot, and i realized how untruthful and disloyal i have always been to myself and to my writing. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean all the poems you've read (hopefully) are all lies and i make up each and every one of them. True that poetry is generally considered a lie, because it deviates you from the truth and takes you to a make-believe, fantasy world. But all my writings are all very close to my heart. They are all based on something i have experienced, or struggled with or..oh well, imagined. I guess poetry sort of digresses you from reality after all. But that is the best part of it, is it not? That a mere amalgamation of words can take you on an escape trip from reality and the world? A combination of letters transport you into a place you've never been to? 

 

Now what i meant when i said i have been untruthful and disloyal to my writing is that i don't just rawly present you with whatever my mind and heart brews up. I don't offer you my products as it is. I just don't jot down why i was feeling blue on that particular day, or how a fight i had with someone made me feel sad, or that i was happy because i made a new friend.What i often do is that i create a totally new situation, i imagine one, to which the same words i would use if i were to tell you my tales unmanipulated and unfurnished, are applicable. That, or i simply use a lot of metaphors and personifications and synecdoches. 

 

After a while, i then concluded that i do this because even in writing, i can never face the harsh reality, i can never truly accept things the way they are. I know this is a rather pathetic and negative thing to say, but it is something i have constantly fought with all my life: acceptance. And i was wrong before, paper doesn't take it all in as it is. Paper takes in whatever you want it to take in.Writing is an imprint of all the lies you tell yourself. So, telling paper as it is would mean telling yourself the truth, and accepting it. And as human, i have a hard time doing that.

This is why i can never be brutally honest with myself, because i cannot be brutally honest with paper. Having said that, this is, by far, the most brutally honest i have ever been with paper.